


Wishing and Hoping

by Mychelle_Wilmot



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Bonding, Episode Related, Episode: s01e01 Caretaker, Friendship, Gen, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 21:43:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9034361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mychelle_Wilmot/pseuds/Mychelle_Wilmot
Summary: Their journey home would not be easy; they would need to learn to trust each other if they were to make it. And maybe it would not even be so hard - maybe they would even find themselves as friends along the way.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for [the-bookwyrm](http://the-bookwyrm.tumblr.com) as a gift for the [startreksecretsanta](http://startreksecretsanta.tumblr.com). I hope you like it!

 

* * *

 

            It took Kathryn several minutes to convince herself that she needed to do this. That it was her duty as not only the Captain of Voyager, but as a sensible fellow colleague for the people who would be stuck with her for the next years – or even decades.

            But even as she made up her mind, it still wasn’t an easy or comfortable task, not when she was still so shaken about her fateful decision.

            Kathryn decided to talk with Harry Kim first – he was the one originally under her command, and she felt that she needed to talk with him first, to see how he was holding up.

            When she went to his door, Kim was quick to answer her – and very polite while they were talking, overly so. The formality wasn’t really necessary for Kathryn, but she knew it was unavoidable for him, still so young and inexperienced to the life in a starship, still so green.

            Kathryn knew this wouldn’t last for long. Not with them strayed like this for who knows how long, not with all the troubles they would surely find.

            Harry Kim was a good kid. He was proving himself competent already, resilient under pressure. He would become a very fine officer quite soon, but the price would be his lost innocence. Experience would suit him fine, but Kathryn already felt sad for how fast he would have to grow up.

            After Kathryn was convinced that Kim was telling her the truth – that yes, he was overwhelmed and still unable to grasp the wholeness of their situation, but he was also holding up the best he could – she left him with a goodnight and a smile, and when he seemed to be less stressed than he was when he opened the door, she felt relieved in knowing that she had taken the right decision.

            But she still wasn’t sure about talking with his colleague of captivity in the Ocampa homeworld.

            Kathryn was hesitant to talk with her, and she knew it was for several different reasons.

            She might not know the Maquis’ crew for long, but it was hard to not notice B’Elanna Torres, even if she wasn’t the kidnapped member of Chakotay’s crew. Torres was someone hard to miss – there was an inner fire in her that was visible just by standing on her side, and Kathryn suspected that it had little to do with her Klingon heritage.

            All this fire that resided inside Torres could be something good as easily as it could be something bad; it could mean a fierce dedication to the job and their mission to come home, or it could mean hate and rebellion that could influence the other Maquis.

            Kathryn honestly didn’t think this was the most likely option; Torres seemed to be loyal to Chakotay and the Maquis cause, and all this loyalty to a belief meant she was likely to be a reliable, competent person, and since Chakotay had agreed to play by the Federation’s rules, Kathryn thought she could expect the same from Torres.

            But the alternative wasn’t as pleasant. Torres wasn’t a Starfleet officer, and Kathryn knew it would take some time for Torres to see her without mistrust, if she ever did.

            And Kathryn remembered the way her eyes shone with anger and what seemed a fierce hate when she understood the consequences of Kathryn’s decision, and this wasn’t something she could ignore. They needed to talk with each other and see the things eye to eye.

            With this in mind, Kathryn rang the doorbell of Torres’ quarters and waited there; in only a few moments, Torres stood by the open door.

            She was still in a Starfleet uniform, but only in her undershirt and trousers. The look on her face was carefully blank while she waited for Kathryn to state her business without saying a word.

            “May I come in?” Kathryn asked after a few too long seconds.

            Torres nodded and made space for Kathryn to enter her quarters; it was only after the door closed that Torres spoke.

            “Look, it’s been a really long, tiresome day. If you want to tell me something, I ask you to say it at once.”

            Kathryn nodded at that, understanding her desire to be alone – she could share it.

            “I just wanted to see how you are holding up. It’s been a very challenging few hours. Days.”

            Kathryn could see Torres narrowing her eyes; her neutral expression was easily turning into annoyance.

            “I would say it’s been terrible for everyone, not only me.”

            “It has, indeed. But I would bet that it was a little tougher for you and for Ensign Kim.”

            Torres crossed her arms.

            “Me and the Starfleet were lucky in the end. I can’t say the same for all the people who died during this mess.”

            Kathryn managed to hide her wince, just barely.

            “I know. Voyager suffered irreparable losses, people who were dear to me and people I didn’t have the opportunity to meet. I mourn for them, but now there’s nothing I can do for them anymore.”

            “And now you have to do your best for us still here?”

            Torres was scoffing at the idea, but Kathryn managed a small, sincere smile.

            “In a manner of speaking. I am your commanding officer now, and I want you to trust me. I know this won’t be easy and I don’t expect this trust to be so fast, but I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance. It’s my duty to protect you now, all of you, Starfleet and Maquis alike.”

            Torres shook her head; Kathryn could see she was getting impatient now.

            “You have a funny way of showing all these protective instincts, Captain.”

            Kathryn frowned, dropping her small smile.

            “Is this about my decision of destroying the station?”

            “Of course it’s about it,“ Torres threw her hands in the air “I think you can understand why your word and vows of protection and companionship are not exactly reliable right now.”

            Torres didn’t raise her voice as she spoke, but her anger was visible in every line of her body – the way she was glaring at Kathryn, her closed fists, the way her body was tense.

            Kathryn could deal with it – she was expecting it.

            “I understand, of course.”

            “Do you really? Did you realize already that you might have condemned to death every single person aboard this ship?”

            Kathryn gave her a pointed look.

            “Of course I realized it. This was the first thought that I had when I took this decision.”

            “And you still did it anyway.”

            Kathryn sighed.

            “Every Starfleet officer is prepared for unknown dangers. No one, not a single one of the members of this ship was ready for what we are living now, but the risks are part of the job and they all know it.”

            Torres crossed her arms again.

            “I’m not a Starfleet officer.”

            “You are now.”

            Once again Torres looked as if she was doing a great effort to not lash out in anger, so Kathryn continued to speak before she could say anything.

            “But I understand that you were first a member of the Maquis. And considering the cause that the Maquis fight for… would you really be less angry at me if I had left the Ocampas to be massacred?”

            Torres looked up and maintained eye contact with Kathryn; she was still trying to hold on her anger, but Kathryn could see the moment she deflated, when she sighed and her shoulders dropped.

            “No, I don’t suppose I would.”

            Kathryn gave her a tiny, sad smile.

            “I don’t think I would respect myself, too. But my reason for destroying it was because we are the outsiders here. Doesn’t matter if we are here unwilling. We don’t have any right to rob the Ocampas of their chances of survival.”

            Torres nodded, sighing again.

            “I get that, I do. And I agree. It wouldn’t be fair to them, but…”

            Kathryn remained silent, waiting for Torres to finish her sentence.

            “But it’s hard to not imagine different scenarios that don’t end with us stranded in the Delta Quadrant, if you had taken a different decision at some point.”

            It was Kathryn’s turn to sigh.

            “I don’t really blame you,” Torres looked at her, no anger in her posture this time “Not really. I’m not even a member of your crew, you didn’t owe me anything. But it is hard to look at you without feeling a little angry, a little betrayed.”

            Listening to that was a bit hurtful, but Kathryn didn’t blame Torres, not when she was feeling a little angry and a little betrayed at herself. And even if it was still tough to face the consequences of such a hard decision, she was glad that Torres was being sincere with her.

            “I understand. And with time, I hope to earn your trust and respect, B’Elanna Torres.”

            Torres smirked a little at hearing her entire name.

            “I hope so too, otherwise the next few years will be hell for both of us.”

            Kathryn smiled a little.

            “Maybe with time, we can even become friends.”

            That made Torres frown, her lips pursing a little.

            “Friendship is a strong word, especially with you being a Starfleet Captain.”

            “Being unapproachable can come with the job of being a commanding officer, but something tells me that this won’t be the case with Voyager… and I like to trust my intuition.”

            Torres nodded, still looking sceptical, but Kathryn had made her point and she was glad to leave it at that for now.

            “I’ll leave you so you can rest, but think about it, B’Elanna. If you ever wish to discuss something with me, personally or professionally, don’t hesitate.”

            Torres’ nod was more uncertain this time, but Kathryn was satisfied enough with the lack of hostility in the late part of their conversation. It wasn’t much, but it was promising enough for her.         

            After Torres walked her to the door, Kathryn walked slowly to her quarters, thinking about Harry Kim’s excited smile, about the fierce fire in B’Elanna Torres’ eyes, about the trustful and distrustful looks that the crew was sending her. Thinking about the weight of the responsibility placed upon her shoulders, a responsibility she wasn’t completely sure she could pull off.

            Thinking about that, even if she wasn’t sure they would ever get home, she would die trying. She would die fighting for her crew 

            And hopefully, she would manage to make a few friends among her crew on the way back.

*

            As soon as the Captain left her quarters, B’Elanna had taken all her clothes off and entered the bathroom to take a sonic shower, trying to stop the sensation of feeling so filthy.

            It wasn’t even her first sonic shower of the last few hours, but she couldn’t avoid the impulse. While she stood there talking with the Captain, she felt like her whole body was sweating, like there was dirt under her fingernails and her hair was oily and sticky.

            Such a sensation wasn’t because she was feeling anxious around the Captain; B’Elanna was wary of Starfleet officers and she thought she would still be for a long time, but wariness wasn’t the same as fear. Captain Janeway was still a stranger for her and she already saw that she was tough when put into a difficult situation, but B’Elanna didn’t feel anxious around her.

            No, she knew this sensation of being unclean was still a side effect of being kidnapped and kept against her will underground of that forsaken planet.

            It was something stupid, and she knew that. She was only indulging herself because it had been a very long couple of days, and B’Elanna was so tired, too tired to fight herself and convince herself to stop with this paranoia.

            But even if B’Elanna was mentally exhausted, she wasn’t sleepy. Her mind was wide awake just thinking about how much her life was going to change, thinking about the Captain’s words, thinking about staying permanently on the Ocampa’s homeworld, trapped and dying of an alien illness.

            Knowing that sleep wouldn’t come to her anytime soon, B’Elanna didn’t bother getting into bed after her sonic shower, and instead she just dressed herself in the Starfleet uniform again and walked out of her quarters, heading towards the mess hall.

            Walking on Voyager’s halls was still a strange experience to B’Elanna. It was a small vessel considering the size of Starfleet starships, but it was still huge compared with their tiny Maquis ship. There was so much people, so much space, and it was still a little startling.

            There were few people in the mess hall than she expected – and she didn’t expect many, considering it was the night shift – but still, among the few people, the Starfleet was there; Harry Kim was looking down into his cup, a pensive look on his face that B’Elanna could relate to.

            B’Elanna went to the replicator to get a simple cup of coffee. Since she was not going to get sleep anytime soon, she didn’t see a reason to abstain from caffeine.

            Holding the hot cup on her hands, B’Elanna looked around and saw that Harry Kim was no longer staring at his cup – he was staring at her, in a look that she couldn’t complete decipher, but that was a clear invitation.

            Sighing loudly, B’Elanna made her way to his table.

            “What are you drinking?” B’Elanna asked as she sat down.

            “Camomile tea, to see if I can relax a little,” he frowned “But it doesn’t really taste like camomile. And you?”

            “Coffee, since I know I’m not getting any sleep tonight,” B’Elanna took a sip “Not the best I ever had, but it taste like coffee.”

            Harry smiled, a little amused, but didn’t comment on it.

            For a few minutes, they only sat down and drank from their cups without any words coming between them, which suited her just fine. B’Elanna was glad to have this few moments of peace, even knowing they wouldn’t last long.

            And last long they didn’t, because Harry Kim soon enough started to look at her in a clearly curious way.

            “If you want to ask me something, stop staring and go ahead,” she said eventually.

            “Sorry,” Harry apologized, a little sheepish “I was just wondering if the Captain talked with you too.”

            B’Elanna looked at him without surprise, considering that the Captain mentioned that she talked with Harry Kim before her.

            “She did.”

            At her words Harry sighed, and then smiled in a relieved way.

            “I was afraid that she had only talked with me.”

            Observing the expressions on Harry’s face, B’Elanna realized that Harry probably thought that the Captain talked only with him because of his inexperience, that maybe he was thinking himself weak for that – which was frankly ridiculous, considering the cool head that the kid kept during all the clusterfuck they went through.

            “No, she came by my quarters about half an hour ago to talk, or as she said, to see how I was holding up."

            “She said the same thing to me,” Harry said “I think it was nice of her, but unnecessary. Everyone in this ship is going through a lot, not just me. Us.”

            B’Elanna shook her head.

            “I think she was just trying to distract herself from feeling guilty and we were a good excuse.”

            Harry looked at her at once, sharp.

            “What happened with us it’s not her fault.”

            “You sure of that?”

            “Yes!”

            Harry was clearly indignant at the idea and B’Elanna sighed, not finding it in herself to think that he was being naive. She knew how indignant she would be if someone did a similar accusation about Chakotay.

            “Do you – are you blaming her?”

            B’Elanna took a few seconds to answer.

            “Yes and no. I know that it isn’t really her fault… but it’s hard to not blame her. At least a little.”

            “It’s easy for me to not do it,” Harry shook his head “And believe me, I already understand how bad is our situation.”

            “Do you?” She asked, genuinely curious “Because I don’t think anyone does.”

            Harry smiled just a little, and ducked his head.

            “Well, maybe not. But in the past few hours, I can’t think of anything else but my folks.”

            B’Elanna looked at his face, noticing how his smiled faded completely.

            “I’m very close to them, I’m their only son. In just a few days, they’ll know we’re missing. In enough time, they’ll stop believing I’m alive. And it… it breaks my heart to think about my mom grieving me when I’m perfectly alive and well, just out of her reach.”

            Harry blinked a few times, attempting to not let his tears fall, and B’Elanna didn’t comment on them, seeing the raw feeling of that emotional confession.

            For a moment, she thought of her mother. It had been so long since they last spoke, and now B’Elanna might never see her alive again.

            What her mother would think once she heard that B’Elanna was missing, probably dead? Would she mourn her, would she even care? Would she think that B’Elanna was entering the afterlife full of dishonour and shame, or would she think that B’Elanna had a kinder outcome after her death?

            Swallowing, B’Elanna shook her head – even in less chaotic situations, it wasn’t safe to think too long about her mother.

            “Listen… I may not know your Captain very well, but she doesn’t seem like a quitter to me. I don’t think she’ll ever give up trying to get us home earlier."

            Harry sighed, and drinked a bit of his tea; judging for his grimace, it was already cold.

            “I know she’ll never stop trying. I’m just not sure that she’ll succeed.”

            B’Elanna thought about what he said for a few seconds before replying.                     

            “Only time will tell what will happen to us, but the thing I think we need to put on mind it’s to never stop trying to get home. To never stop hoping that we will return home. It may be the only thing keeping us alive in the near future.”

            “You’re only saying that to make me feel better,” Harry shook his head.

            “I’m only saying that because I’m trying to make we both feel better. I know I’m a tough, but this… all of this… is a little too much.”

            Frustrated, B’Elanna noticed her voice slowly diminishing, her only consolation being that her voice didn’t completely break as she spoke.

            But when she looked up, it wasn’t pity or sympathy as she had feared that was written all over Harry’s face; it was a mix of sadness and fondness, and the so necessary hope.

            Without saying a word, Harry put his hand on top of B’Elanna and squeezed lightly.

            “Then I wish that this hope never abandon us, even when everything else does.”

            B’Elanna sighed once again and took another sip of her cup. She didn’t take her hand from under Harry’s; it was nice to feel, at least for some moments, that she wasn’t so alone after all.

*

            When Tuvok pressed the doorbell to Kathryn’s quarters, he felt the strange sensation that Humans often called _déjà vu_ , remembering when he came to these quarters to find her quite shaken, despite her well put appearance.

            This time was not very different; when Kathryn stood by the open door, she seemed composed but inevitably tired.

            “Tuvok. Please, come in.”

            In slow steps, Tuvok entered his Captain’s quarters.

            “What can I do for you?”

            “I have come to deliver you the preliminary report of the system's damage.”

            Tuvok handed Kathryn the PADD, who took it and tried to give him a smile – that looked more like a grimace.

            “Is that all?” Kathryn asked, clearly tired, but not wanting to be unkind.

            “Indeed, it is not. I came to, as one say, to see how you are holding up.”

            Kathryn was placing the PADD on her desk, but that phrase was enough to make her lift her head.

            “It’s funny of you to say this. Just about an hour ago, I was checking on Ensign Kim and B’Elanna Torres. I was a little worried about them. Still am, I suppose.”

            “They went through a little more pressure than the pressure the rest of us experienced," Tuvok said “I trust they are alright?”

            “As alright as one can be in the situation we are,” Kathryn sighed, and walked to her replicator.

            “Indeed. Our journey will be harder than any of us could expect.”

            “Oh, we shouldn’t have been in any kind of journey at all,” Kathryn shook her head, and turned to her replicator “Coffee, black.”

            As the cup materialized and she took it in her hands, Tuvok approached her.     

            “It’s not your fault that we are in the difficult situation that we are.”

            “Of course is my fault, Tuvok. I may have taken the right, the moral decision, but it is still my fault that we’re stuck this far from anything familiar.”

            Tuvok stared at her for a few moments, trying to get a grasp of her emotions.

            “Thinking in this manner will not help you. It will not help anyone on this ship.”

            “I know it will not, but it’s hard to think about anything else. I wish I was as good as you are in concealing my emotions, it would do me some good.”

            Kathryn sat down, and with a gesture of her hand, indicated that Tuvok should sit too.

            “You know very well that such a rigid control of emotions is a survival skill for my species, Captain, It does not mean that I do not feel or that I am not worried about our destination. About the people we left on the Alpha Quadrant.”

            Tuvok could almost feel Kathryn’s eyes burning into his skin, as illogical a sensation as it was. Even so, he did not look at her, not allowing his rigid control to break, not now that his Captain and friend needed his strength.

            “I have been avoiding thinking too long about my wife and my children. I… do not like to think about how distressing it will be to them, to hear about my presumed death. I do know that is something that I will have to face eventually, but it is something I think I should not focus right now, in fear that I will not be able to think about anything else.”

            “I understand. Personally, I’m still feeling shell-shocked,” Kathryn sighed “This is all so hard to process. And when I was talking with Ensign Kim and B’Elanna Torres I could see this same… denial on them, in different ways.”

            “How so?”

            Kathryn took a sip of her coffee before continuing.

            “Harry Kim was very polite, eager to please, even as he was so tired and clearly trying so hard to not think about his family. B’Elanna was very different, not shy in showing her anger and frustration.”

            When Kathryn took too long to reply, Tuvok asked her:

            “Anger aimed at you?”      

            “Part of it,” Kathryn shrugged “But not most of it. Despite her anger, she seems to have a good heart. I doubt she would have condoned the destruction of the Ocampas.”

            “Despite the information I collected on the Maquis, I did not collect much information about their personal lives,” Tuvok said “But Torres does seem to have, as you Humans say, a good nature.”

            “I think so, too. And I’m usually a good judge of character.”

            Kathryn gave him a big smile this time, and Tuvok even sent her a very tiny, almost inexistent smile.

            “Before I stopped by your quarters, I passed by the mess hall. Few officers were there, but among them I saw B’Elanna Torres and Harry Kim. They seemed to be drinking together, probably bonding over their shared trauma.”

            Kathryn looked at him in a strange way, but seemed pleased by the news.

            “They should have been resting by now, but I’m happy to know that they’re growing close already. It will be good to see friendships being cultivated here, because who knows how long we will be stuck in this Quadrant.”

            Tuvok could see how down his friend was feeling, despite her words; he knew that nothing he could say would ease the guilt living on her. It was utterly illogical in Tuvok’s opinion, considering all the choices she had available at her were terrible choices, but he was living long enough among Humans to understand that their feelings could not be so easily dissipated by pointing out how illogical and irrational they were.

            “I am sure we all have our fears and doubts about the future. I am also sure that soon enough I will have mine, but I do not think that anyone on this ship will give up, Captain. They are all good officers, who will soon or later understand that you did not had good or easy choices; you may have a bigger challenge with the Maquis, but I do think they will come to trust you with time, if you prove yourself to be worth of their loyalty. And I have no doubts that worth of it you will be, since you already are.”

            This time, the smile on Kathryn’s face seemed more genuine and less pained.

            “Is it logical to believe in all of this without any evidence to support these claims, Tuvok? We are a case without precedents.”

            Tuvok tilted his head to one side, taking a few moments to answer.

            “I cannot affirm that it is logical, Captain, but I can affirm that… the feeling is genuine. Vulcans may not have a concept of faith in the same way you Humans do, but we can understand the feeling. And I have nothing but faith that you will take us home, sooner rather than late.”

            Kathryn nodded slowly, smiling more now, and approached him; for a moment he thought that she would hug him and he tensioned slightly, willing to indulge her it if it would make her feel better. But Kathryn only squeezed his upper arm, affection and warmth dripping from the brief touch.

            “If you will stand by my side, then I’m ready to believe it too,” Kathryn said, and Tuvok arched an eyebrow at her.

            “Then in this case, you should stop with these illogical considerations, Captain. You will get us home again, and this is a fact.”

            It was not always that Tuvok could understand and share the sense of humour of Humans, but judging by Kathryn’s laughter, he got it right this time.

            And the fact that he could make his friend happier and less tense in such a catastrophic situation made Tuvok truly believe that his words were not just wishful thinking, and that they would surely become a reality in the near future.   

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any mistakes, I do not have a beta reader.
> 
> Thanks for reading, opinions and kudos are always welcome!


End file.
